"Och...huv ye no got anythin' cheaper?" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, sir," said the dentist.
"What about if ye din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70," said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetics?" said the Scotsman.
"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40," said the dentist.
"Och... that's still a bit much, how about if ye make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin?" said the Scotsman hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case," said the dentist.
"Now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can you confirm an appointment for the wife on Tuesday?"
("A man who does not take particular and tender care of his wife, and who then expects her to be fruitful and lovely, is not being a true husband at all; he is a dolt -- the Greek word for this is probably meathead." --Douglas Wilson in Reforming Marriage) Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/30/2004 04:04:00 PM
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Links to This Post 'Never Be Afraid to Hear Me Say I Love You' That's from an old post in which I was puzzling over "hearing" God. I still don't know what to make of those experiences, but the question I ought rather to be asking is Is it true? In this case, does God want me never to be afraid to hear Him say He loves me? Because I am, of course. Terrified. Scares the euphemism out of me. I suspect, however, that I oughtn't be afraid. Perfect love casts out all that sort of fear, doesn't it? Why is it so blasted hard to believe???
I'm able to write about this, by the way, because I'm on my way out of the Slough. If I were still deeply mired, I wouldn't be barfing my emotional guts quite so publicly. As it is, I'm able to look at the situation with some degree of detatchment and try to figure out exactly where it was I went wrong. So my 10 (at present) guardian angels (do flaming swords come standard issue with that job?) needn't wring their wings with worry. Prayers, however, are never unappreciated. Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/30/2004 02:07:00 PM
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Wednesday, November 24, 2004 AD Arminian Fortune Cookie "Be confident in your own lovability." So much for total depravity, but it was still a nice sentiment to get! ;-) Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/24/2004 04:47:00 PM
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Links to This Post The Chinese Bagpipe History Connection According to Quiet Life, the Chinese idiom for "chatting" is literally translated "blowing cow." For those who are unaware of The True History of the Origin of the Bagpipes, I present it here, as recounted by Keith Mathison (and you thought he only wrote ever-longer theological tomes):
I believe the bagpipes originated during the Highland Games of Scotland. We must remeber that the Highland Games gave us such famous sports as pole tossing and the giant boulder toss. It is my guess that during the Highland Games many many years ago someone tried to come up with another feat of strength, so this person invented a game called "Cow squeezing." The original intention of the game was for each man to pick up a cow and squeeze it to see who could shoot milk the furthest. Unfortunately, one of the strongest champions squeezed too hard and blew all of the hooves off his cow. The ghastly sound that came out of the leg holes caused people to cringe. The man and his cow carcass were kicked out of the village for destroying perfectly good livestock. So he carried the cow carcass away -- off to the cliffs. While walking he inadvertently would squeeze the cow causing more of that bizarre sound to come out of the different leg holes. When he got tired of walking and was bored, he would stand and for fun try to see what kind of noises he could produce by sqeezing in different places and holding different leg holes closed. Well, as often happens, one thing led to another, and today you have the Bagpipes. (Source)
Seems it's not just biblical truths that found their way into the Chinese language in times past, but at least one important moment in Scottish history.
But how, one might ask, did "producing ghastly, cringe-inducing sounds" evolve into something as innocuous as "chatting"? Well, my thinking is that the man and his cow carcass eventually wandered clear out of Scotland, across Europe and into Asia. The Chinese, having a much more advanced civilization, dealt swiftly and definitively with the horror that had infiltrated their borders, so that there was soon a Scotsman carcass to go along with the cow carcass. But not before Chinese mothers had started scolding their noisy children by telling them they sounded like they were blowing cow. Over the centuries, the Chinese gradually forgot the unfortunate Scotsman and the phrase that owed it's origin to him. And the meaning of the phrase gradually drifted, as such things do, from "ghastly noise" to just plain "noise" to "chatter." Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/24/2004 01:52:00 PM
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Links to This Post Fascinating "As the world of photography grows ever more digitized, [Abelardo] Morell offers a glorious and surprising reminder of its classical roots. The well-known Cuban-born photographer essentially turns a room into the interior of a camera. He blacks out the windows, leaving a pinhole opening in one of them. Because of the nature of refracted light, the scene outside the window is projected upside down into the dim room. Morell then captures the room on film with a large-format view camera; exposures can take eight hours or more. The juxtapositions in the book's 60 duotones are eerily beautiful: New England clapboard houses hang serenely on the walls of a child's bedroom strewn with toy dinosaurs; Times Square throws a patchwork over the walls and bed of a Manhattan hotel room; the cityscape of Havana spreads across the crumbling interior wall of an apartment." -- A Scientific American review of Camera Obscura
Tuesday, November 23, 2004 AD Intra-Office Memos Earlier today I walked past the aisle where the fax machine lives and saw that it had spewed incoming faxes all over the floor. At moments like this, it is a great advantage to be The Keeper of the Corporate Digital Camera. I snapped a photo and sent it out in an all-agency e-mail: "A picture's worth a thousand words... [photo] ...and that, boys and girls, is why we leave the fax machine tray out to catch the incoming faxes!"
I don't know as it'll change anyone's behavior, but it amused lots of folks including one who replied, "You are a treasure; I say we bury you."
My job drives me nuts in lots of ways, but it sure is a great source of humor sometimes! Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/23/2004 02:46:00 PM
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Monday, November 22, 2004 AD Prayer Books? I'm looking for alternatives to the Book of Common Prayer. Specifically, I'm looking for something that's not entirely in the first person plural. I know I need to learn to think and pray more corporately, but my individual life is part of my Christian walk, too, and I'd like something to give my solo prayers a little more shape and direction. Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/22/2004 09:52:00 PM
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Links to This Post ARGH! Blogger makes me crazy sometimes. I started a post, thought better of it, and clicked "Save as draft," only to have stupid, idiotic Blogger freeze up, making me think the post was lost. Come to find out, stupid, idiotic Blogger published the blasted thing! If you read it before I found and deleted it, please pretend you didn't, and please forgive me for starting it in the first place! Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/22/2004 09:29:00 PM
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Links to This Post 'Yet Without Sin' I used to puzzle over Hebrews 4:15 because it seemed as if Jesus couldn't really sympathize with us if He wasn't a sinner. After all, that's the common wisdom of Evanjellydom, isn't it? The way to reach sinners is to tell them stories about how you used to be as bad as they were until you accepted Jesus as your Personallordandsavior™. A testimony story is weighed and found wanting if it doesn't contain several tons of juicy sin and misery. People who have "been there" are automatically deemed to be the best people to reach those who are still there -- by virtue of their experience rather than their gifting. If someone hasn't been right where I am -- hasn't walked the same path and committed the same crimes -- that he couldn't have anything to offer me. If he doesn't hang the dirty laundry of his most heinous sins from the sanctuary chandeliers, then he must be a hypocrite, inauthentic, phony.
Does God use the weak to confound the foolish? Of course He does. Does he sometimes call people from the swill of the gutter to the water of life and then back to the gutter to pick up those who remain? Of course He does. But that's not the basis for judging someone's fitness for any kind of ministry -- be it informal counseling and discipleship or full-time pastoral ministry. The requirements for elders and deacons listed in 1 Timothy and Titus make that clear. In fact, they may even rule out those with too much past history depending on your take on the "husband of one wife" clause. The best human source for learning godliness is people who are really experienced at being godly. To go back to the verse in Hebrews, Jesus can sympathize with us because of His humanity, but He's only any use to us as Savior, Shepherd, Counselor, etc. because He did not sin.
The mistake I've made for decades in choosing friends is in letting myself be drawn to people who were weak like me in the same ways, and more often than not, we became the blind leading the blind, bewailing our bruises as we sat in the bottom of ditch after ditch after ditch. And I've ended up drifting away from friendship after friendship after realizing that I wasn't really getting anything out of it or putting anything into it. There was as much sympathy as a pathetic creature could wish for, but not the right kind -- not the kind Jesus has for His people, the kind that's standing on solid ground and has the leverage to yank us out of the ditch.
Fearing that I'll never fit in has been a challenge for me in places where I know myself to be less than the least of those there. But that's OK! It's OK to be in a place where I can learn from so many people who are doing well (not perfectly, but well) at things that I can only dream of attempting. It's OK to be in a place where I am receiving so much more than I could give. The giving may be more blessed, but the gettin' ain't half bad, neither!
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P.S. Just because I'm criticizing one extreme of the pendulum swing, doesn't mean I haven't seen, experienced and been guilty of the other. Of course there is hypocrisy, coldness, etc. in the church. But if you are the sort that is in want of sympathy for your weaknesses, then you're going to have to be willing to give it for theirs -- all the moreso because of the danger their blindness leaves them in. Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/22/2004 08:27:00 PM
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Links to This Post You Might Be Reformed If... Went to a wedding on Saturday. The CREC elders, er, shall we say, laid hands on the couple's car before their departure. Among their various vehicular ministrations (which included filling the entire thing with balloons) was this message scrawled across the back: "Wash her with the Word...and wash her car!" 'Bout sums up the husband's role, wouldn't you say? Not your typical evanjellyfish sentiment, eh?
Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/22/2004 01:40:00 PM
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Links to This Post Welcome, Lise! Laurel on the Mountain is the new blog of Lise, a.k.a., A Mommy Moose, a.k.a., Mrs. Moosebugs, a.k.a. Emmy and Abby's mommy. Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/22/2004 12:22:00 PM
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Friday, November 19, 2004 AD I Am Eatin' Goooooood This Week! Today there was leftover Afghan food from some meeting. Not my favorite lamb shish kabob from The Helmand, just chicken from Afghan Kabob, but for free, and with baklava and rice pudding for dessert, I'm not complaining! Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/19/2004 01:41:00 PM
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Thursday, November 18, 2004 AD Everybody Needs a Hyphen We had an international potluck at work for lunch today. Everyone was supposed to bring a dish from their ethnic heritage, so we had Japanese sushi, Burmese noodles, Chinese noodles, (did I mention I've been off my diet for a couple weeks?), Italian cookies, Dutch pastry, (did I mention I was really, really stuffed?), Norwegian fruit soup, and so on and so forth. When the invitation was originally sent out asking us what we'd bring, I quipped that nothing says "poor white trash" better than Kraft macaroni and cheese! But I couldn't bring myself to actually buy the stuff, though we sure did eat a whole lot of it growing up. So I was going to make real mac and cheese, but I worked past midnight Monday and Tuesday, and 'til 9 last night, and I just didn't have the gumption to cook when I got home. So what did the little sign by my contribution say? "Consumer-American Cuisine: Store-Bought Apple Pie." :-þ Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/18/2004 02:20:00 PM
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004 AD Note to Self Get rid of this turtleneck. The neck's so tight it's choking me to death! Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/17/2004 02:17:00 PM
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Saturday, November 13, 2004 AD Impervious Hymns like Eternal Father, Strong to Save seem so quaint. A friend is heading off on a cruise in a couple weeks. I'm thinkin' I wouldn't mind a bit of that "peril on the sea" for myself!
The BCP morning and evening prayers for families include gratitude "especially for having delivered us from the dangers of the past night" and a petition "to continue thy gracious protection to us this night. Defend us from all dangers and mischiefs, and from the fear of them." But nighttime doesn't seem particularly frightening to me, at least not once I'm snug in my bed. I managed to lock myself out of my house Wednesday night...but even then I had a warm, 24-hour restaurant to go hang out in until my neighbor woke up and I could get my spare key from her.
But fears of the sea and of the terrors of the night just sound so old-fashioned. Not that we don't have our own fears, real or imagined, but we think ourselves above such primitive ones. We're too sophisticated for such earthy dreads.
Oh, and there's one more that we think we've grown out of: the fear of God. We whittle that down to a tame version of respect with plenty of room for chumminess. Yeah, that's what left Isaiah crying Woe is me.... Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/13/2004 12:22:00 AM
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Wednesday, November 10, 2004 AD I Have No Idea Whether This Book Is Any Good... ...but the title gets high marks from me! Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/10/2004 01:06:00 AM
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Monday, November 08, 2004 AD Getting Crotchety in My Old Age Yesterday at the gas station there was a white guy in an SUV blaring rap music. I didn't get up the gumption, but I was tempted to walk over to him and calmly say, "Y'know, honey, being loud may get you all kinds of attention, but it ain't never gonna get you respect."
Also yesterday, someone mentioned overhearing a young man who ought to know better explain how at his college he and some number of other young men call women female. I don't mean they refer to women as female, e.g., "That female standing in the flower patch looks lovely today, don't you think, Fred?" I mean they address women as female, e.g., "You're in my way, female." As I was driving home last night, I was pondering what I might have said had I heard this first-hand. I finally settled on something along the lines of, "There is nothing less masculine than for a man to treat a woman with contempt," delivered in a steely tone with an icy glare.
So by the time I stopped into a 7-11 on my way home, my righteous indignation was primed and ready to go. And what should I behold but a pr0n magazine right at toddler eye-level without so much as a brown paper wrapper. I picked up both copies and slammed them face down on the counter. Horrors...the young man behind the counter moved as if to scan one! "I don't want those!" I sputtered. "They're out here where children can see them. They should be hidden!" [Note: Of course they should be gone altogether, but I figured I might have better success just demanding that they be placed out of site.] And to his credit, the fellow said he'd take care of it. He even asked if there were any more, to which I replied that those were all of that title, and that I didn't even want to look at the rest of what was there. As I was starting my car, I could see that he had, indeed, gotten rid of the mags I pulled, and he was checking the others in that rack to see if any more needed to be removed.
This morning I stopped by K-Mart for a few items. I made sure before I went in that I had enough cash, because at this particular store they make you show your driver's license to use a credit card. I'm sorry if they have a high crime rate, but I am rather sick and tired of being treated like a criminal when I just want to buy some soap. On the way out a very courteous security guard asked, "May I check your receipt, please?" to which I cheerfully responded, "No," and kept walking! Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/08/2004 08:13:00 PM
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Saturday, November 06, 2004 AD A Profound Statistical Truth "Research tells us that fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate." --Sandra Boynton Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/06/2004 04:04:00 AM
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Thursday, November 04, 2004 AD That About Sums It Up Doug Wilson's election reflection pretty much echoes my own thoughts, though I'd have added a rant about Bush's pro-death actions, decisions and funding. Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/04/2004 11:39:00 AM
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Links to This Post Bone Gardens I wasn't going to go to the cemetery yesterday. No one I knew (other than Arlette, of course) was going, and I figured by the time I walked to my car blocks away, I'd never make it back to the procession in time before it left. But the procession was going the same way I was. It passed me about half a block before I got to my car, and I was, to my surprise, able to catch up not too many blocks away and slip in at the tail of the line of cars. (Note: I went through more red lights yesterday than in all my previous life before!) We wound through the city for over half an hour before arriving at the cemetery clear on the other side of town. It's the first time I've been to a graveside service since reading this article by Jonathan Daugherty in which he writes,
I met this old man one time, a hearse driver in fact, who told me that back home in Kentucky when he was a boy they used to sometimes call graveyards "bone gardens," or his favorite, "skull orchards." Well, that's just about right. Sounds like someone has been reading his Bible back home in Kentucky.
It is in faith and hope that we plant each seed and bulb into the earth. And it is in faith and hope that we lay down our fellows in the faith. Paul, in I Corinthians 15, even explains how it is that the dead and rigid are made alive and living in terms of sowing kernels of grain. Just as gardens are cultivated in rows with families of plants together, and just as we sit and kneel together in rows with our families as we worship, so do we rest together in similar form out in the churchyard. In corruption and curse we are lowered beneath the clay and in glory we are raised to forever be with the Man who gave us life. Perishable bodies put on the imperishable and mortal bodies put on immortality. And we will see, with our very own eyes, our Lord as He is.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004 AD The Fifth Commandment in Action I attended Mr. Lindsay’s funeral today. It was one of those home-goings that is more joyous than sad. The honor paid him today by his daughters, his son-in-law, and his many friends painted him as a man I wish I’d known. I only ever met Arlette’s dad a few times, and only after his Alzheimer’s had taken away a good bit of who he’d been. But I learned today that even in his last illness, with his mind as well as his body greatly deteriorated, he would sing in his hospital bed his favorite hymn, “Holy, Holy, Holy.” What a delight to think of him singing it now, “in a nobler, sweeter song,” at the very throne of God.
Arlette’s sister wrote the poem that follows. I half expected, when I saw it in the program, that it would be the treacly sort of thing one often sees in such circumstances, but I actually found it quite lovely, and hope you will, too.
Our Daddy’s Eyes
Daddy’s eyes are very brown
They are kind and strong and wise
According to our Mother,
We have our Father’s eyes.
His eyes could see a way of helping
Anyone who calls.
He always saw the person’s need,
And not the obstacle.
His eyes could see potential
In young lives that he taught,
Whether Boy Scout, athlete or student
The lesson was straight from the heart.
His eyes could see the fun in life,
The simple joys that last,
From the funny cartoon to the joke in the room,
You could hear his infectious laugh.
His eyes could see the worth of friends.
Wherever he would go
He was Pop or Bulldog or Lindsay
He was a good man to know.
His eyes could see that family life
Was something you hold dear.
His Virgie, his Mama, his girls, his grands—
His reason for being here.
But most of all his eyes could see
The way of Christ by grace.
He sang, he served, he worshipped
Because he had great faith.
And now our Daddy’s eyes can see
A glorious new life.
Oh what an honor it is to hear,
“You have your Father’s eyes.”
(Virgie, by the way, is his wife’s name—short for Virginia. “Pop” is a nickname he picked up in high school when he was the only one of his peers who needed to shave. “Bulldog” was also a high school nickname, given in acknowledgement of his presence on the football field.) Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/03/2004 06:59:00 PM
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Links to This Post 'Then I got married, I had children, and my dreams began revolving around whether I would get a shower or not.' Kim, I sincerely wish that your dreams come true! ;-P Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/03/2004 04:20:00 PM
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Tuesday, November 02, 2004 AD 'Circle of Life,' My Aunt Fanny On Friday my dear friend Arlette's father died (obituary). Saturday my friend Myra had a baby girl. There is no cycle between these events. There is only a straight line, and if the Lord tarries, Myra's baby will travel along it as surely as Mr. Lindsay did, and reach the same end. May it be for her as we have hope it was for him: the river across which lies Aslan's country. "But do not fear that, for I am the great Bridge Builder."
By the way, I actually did have an Aunt Fanny -- my father's eldest sister. She's crossed the river, too, and I have hope of meeting her again on the other side. Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/02/2004 11:44:00 AM
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Links to This Post Repeal the 19th Amendment! I'm not voting. Dunno if I really believe the sentiment expressed in the title of this post, and don't really want to discuss it, but I find I am quite content to be silent today. Well, silent as far as voting booths are concerned, not as far as prayers are concerned. To borrow Dr. Grant's prayer, "Lord, have mercy. Have mercy and do not give us what we deserve." Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/02/2004 10:24:00 AM
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Monday, November 01, 2004 AD Communion Reflection 2: Playing Make-Believe Yesterday during the Lord's Supper, I was thinking about what it'll be like at the consummation of the Kingdom, when we are "saved to sin no more." And I thought that I need to approach life in the here and now as one grand game of make believe: When temptation strikes, what would it be like to say, "Let's pretend this is the New Creation, and I'm incapable of sinning"? I wonder if that could be an effective tool in the fight to be obedient.
It has this going for it: It's a childlike approach. When I let myself be all grown up and think, "Oh dear. Here I am facing this temptation again. I wonder if I'll be able to withstand it this time. Probably not." I'm already more than halfway to defeat.
I think Communion is a bit like Jesus coming to a little girl's tea party, squinching Himself into a little chair between Raggedy Ann and a teddy bear, taking seriously her seriously playful hospitality. And then I squirm a bit and think of all the ways that analogy breaks down. How much growing down I have left to do! Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/01/2004 06:47:00 PM
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Links to This Post Communion Reflection 1: 'For the Joy Set Before Him...' When I was out of state a few weeks ago, I worshiped at an OPC congregation about 45 miles from my mom's house. Lemons and Liverspots, they could have a TV ministry: The Hour of Dour! In the meditiation before the Lord's Supper, the pastor solemnly enjoined us to examine ourselves before partaking in a tone that said, "Make yourselves as miserable as possible," and there was a lengthy pause for silent prayer and meditation.
Meanwhile I, who usually struggle not to make myself miserable, was feeling positively giddy. First of all, here I was 400+ miles away from home among total strangers, yet I was still getting to eat at my dear Savior's Table with His beloved brethren. I mean, how cool is that? Second of all, the thought had struck me that for Jesus, "the joy set before Him" for which He endured the cross included getting to serve us and commune with us at that very Table on that very day! And since He was delighting in the occasion, I could delight right along with Him. So amid all these somber faces was mine, grinnin' like a fool! Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/01/2004 06:12:00 PM
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Links to This Post Mean and Selfish Valerie Yesterday a family at church hosted a Reformation Day celebration. I was holding their youngest (who I'd guess to be somewhat under the age of 2), who had just gotten up from her nap and who (child after my own heart!) was taking quite some time to gain full wakefulness. I'd had the wee groggy thing on my lap for a half hour or so when her mother assured me I could put her down if I was tired. Another mom offered to take her and I said, "No way, I'm not sharing. You've got your own!"
I was punished a few hours later. The Ts' driveway is very dark, and there were still quite a few cars around, so one of the guys offered to turn my car around for me so I could get out more easily. I swapped him my keys for his youngest son (about 7 months old), who, upon finding himself in strange arms, promptly commenced to wailing.
I still marvel when a little one likes me. It seems like an incredible and utterly underserved gift. Unexpected, too. Wailing doesn't surprise me; laughter does. I still tend to be timid and hesitant around kids, but I'm grateful to be involved in a church community where I at least have a chance to try! Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/01/2004 01:28:00 PM
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Links to This Post Happy All Saints Day to All You Saints in Cyberspace! O Almighty God, who hast knit together thine elect in one communion and fellowship, in the mystical body of thy Son Christ our Lord; Grant us grace so to follow thy blessed Saints in all virtuous and godly living, that we may come to those unspeakable joys which thou hast prepared for those who unfeignedly love thee; through the same thy Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
(Collect for All Saints Day, The Book of Common Prayer, 1928) Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 11/01/2004 12:15:00 PM
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